Okay so, this is my stream-of-consciousness post for Writing 101’s Day One. I honestly have no idea how this turned out to be semi-coherent. I guess my brain just works in circles. Meh. So enjoy?
Benedict Cumberbatch is a hot, dignified, intelligent bamf. Ignore the 18 year age difference. Mom once scolded me for liking a man that was twice my age. I told her that he’s less than twice my age, so he’s “drool-able”. Men can be so annoying sometimes. Actually no, it’s not the men per se, but the society we live in. Urgh, being female sucks. We bleed every month and feel like something is crawling out of our vagina. We are constantly cat-called and harassed. We’re seen to be the second sex still, as Simone de Beauvoir put it so eloquently. I wish I could write as eloquently and thought-provoking as de Beauvoir. It’s just so hard to put emotions into words only to have our internal editor-in-chief decide what we wrote is not worthy enough and so we scrap it and attempt to do better next time. Is that what today’s Writing 101 is all about? Temporarily firing our internal editor-in-chief so the random garble of our thoughts are typed/written with little to no editing? Kind of reminds me of The Sound and Fury and To the Lighthouse that I had to read in high school English classes. I loved both. The Sound and Fury was really hard to swallow especially the first part with the mentally impaired son in a dysfunctional Southern family. He reminded me of my brother, or at least the life he could have had if he were born with the same conditions in a different family. Scared the hell out of me, to be honest. What if he were to unintentionally harm someone? What sort of legal consequences would follow? He doesn’t know right from wrong – and that sort of what-if is constantly in the back of my head, taunting me. Its really, really frightening. I’m running out of thoughts in my head…. uhhh…. well, I can always go back to Cumberbatch – figuratively, though I kinda often wish literally. He’s someone I would love to have a conversation over some pastries and tea/coffee. Such an intelligent man with an awareness for the politics that surrounds the daily lives of human beings and a determination to try and make the world a better place through research, charity, and volunteer work. It’s honestly really hard to meet a guy – or a person in general – like that in college. Where are they hiding? I’m not really into “hooking up” and I do want to try and find a decent guy. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Or maybe the decent guys are hiding under layers of perceived “in” things, masculinity, “cool” things, arrogance, or a mixture of any of the aforementioned shtuff. If not a boyfriend, I would love to meet new people that are respectful and can have an intelligent conversation without brushing off my opinions or becoming offended. And become friends with them. I love my current friends, but I do love meeting new people. I just haven’t figured out a good way to do that yet, and a way that I feel comfortable doing. So many things to worry about. I feel like that’s all I’m doing nowadays – worry. Even if I don’t show it, I worry. About tuition and student loans, family, friends, not keeping up my GPA, doing well in classes, if I’ll pass my classes this semester or not, whether I can find a boyfriend, how I can find a boyfriend and new friends, keeping on track with my research, whether I’ll have enough research material to present at the next AIChE conference, whether I’ll become better at public speaking by then, the shit that my parents say sometimes, whether I’ll still be sane by the time I graduate because I will be commuting from home the next 3ish years, THE LIST JUST GOES ON. I guess it’s human nature to worry but urghhhhhhhhhhhhh it would be nice to have a day when these things aren’t constantly tormenting me in the back of my mind. My journal helps but it’s still not enough, and I’m not sure what else to do. Meh. I guess all I can do at the moment is keep fighting. Things will be better eventually. They always will become better. And I may just have that conversation with Cumberbatch in the future. If that’s what’ll keep me going, that’s good enough for me at the moment. 😀