I think I love you.

Perhaps, I should make my own little confession of sorts….

I don’t actually remember the first day I saw you or noticed you. But I remember the first time I talked to you. You were in both my chemistry and health classes, and in the latter, we were doing our marriage-budget project. We agreed to be a couple because you were the only guy I knew in that class. (And I was the only girl you knew in that class.)

I also remember the first time I embarrassed myself in front of you. I guess I was just extremely happy that someone else shared my love for books and libraries. It was when we were deciding on the furniture in “our apartment” for that project. I don’t remember who mentioned it first, but one of us mentioned that we should get bookshelves because of a silly little dream of having a nice, private library. Ah, I seriously wonder if I scared you then.

As time went by that year in school, we talked on and off during study hall, gym/health, and chemistry. I started to know more about you, and how we have so many things in common. Even our majors are the same. But I also realized that you’re probably much better at academics than me: you have more motivation than I do. But I suppose it’s because you don’t have to go through what I often have to at home. Still, I didn’t mind. You slowly became my motivation to work harder and do better.

I think, comparing myself then to now, I’ve become more poised, more confident, and overall a better person.

Still, I never feel fully comfortable around you. I often wonder, as I write in my diary nearly every day, if you see me in the same way. Or have I intimidated you to the point where you can’t see me the same way I see you?

Our short conversations are the things that make me so, so, so happy every time it happens. Some people in the dining hall may have already noticed how I smile after you leave. You make me feel safe, respected, and appreciated. I couldn’t ask for much more, quite honestly.

At first, I may have friend-zoned you, but that’s honestly because I was worried about getting into a good college and school work. Now that the first part has been achieved, my mind has started to wander towards relationships. I want to have an intellectual, mutual, and fulfilling relationship with you.

Unfortunately, I’m too shy when it comes to this. I’m too paranoid. I’m not confident enough. Maybe it’s because this is probably the first time I’ve ever liked someone so hard or so much, to the point where I can imagine myself with you in 10, 20, 30, even 40 years. Is that a little creepy? Perhaps it is, and I’m extremely sorry if you’re creeped out. That’s just how I feel.

At the moment, I just want to continue to talk to you, continue to get to know you, continue to be around you. That’s enough to make me happy. Perhaps in a year or two, as our academic careers move along, I will want to move to the next step. And perhaps, I’ll become more confident around you, more poised, and you’ll continue to respect and appreciate me. If that is the case, and if I still continue to like you as hard as I do now, I will muster up all the courage I will need to ask you the question that has been whirling around in my head ever since I realized that I liked you, a lot: 

Do you like me?

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About squishymaru

Master's student in chemical engineering with a B.S. in chemical engineering as well. Loves chemistry, math, increasing diversity in STEM, politics, and public health advocacy. Loves reading, writing, and being active -- mentally and physically.

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